Dating & Relationships: Understanding the Agreement

In The Approach of the Alpha Male, I introduced the concept of being single despite dating.  This stems from there being a difference between dating and relationships, but I didn’t go into detail.  This is where I hope to explain my view.

Online dating - the new norm
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Through advertising campaigns and the instant nature of sites and apps such as Tinder, online dating has increased in popularity and is now mainstream.  Finding people to date has become much easier and this is reflected in my dating stats: since March 2012, I’ve clocked 43 first dates as of May 2014, 40 of which were courtesy of Match.com.

Until recently the terms dating and relationships could be used almost synonymously.  In my mid-20’s when I was single, and before online dating became the norm, I had never dated more than one guy at once because I couldn’t find suitable guys to date.  Sure, I would go out nearly every weekend, but I rarely met any guys who I wanted to spend more time with and get to know.  During this time, I didn’t distinguish between dating and relationships.

My attitude towards dating has changed and I think it is important to understand the difference between dating and being in a relationship in light of the new cultural norm; it’s about understanding the agreement.

Perhaps it’s a little methodical calling what you have an agreement, but I think that is essentially what it is.  Dating and relationship mean different things to different people: what one person considers dating could be someone else’s idea of a relationship.  This could lead to potential misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Many dating advice sites suggest that dating is when you go out, spend time together and get to know each other to find out whether you can establish a relationship; they consider the difference between dating and a relationship to be commitment – agreeing to see each other on a regular basis and only see each other.

Physical Exclusivity

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I feel that is quite a simplistic view of dating and relationships and suggests that everyone who dates wants a relationship.  I know from personal experience that the latter is not the case.  I don’t feel it’s an either/or situation nor do I feel that the defining factor is when you agree to only see each other on a regular basis.  Furthermore, my understanding of commitment doesn’t include aspects of seeing each other on a regular basis.

There are many different types of agreements in existence: long-term open relationships; exclusive short-term relationships; long distant relationships; teenage first-love relationships.  The either/or basis cannot categorise these types of agreements, and there are varying degrees of physical, emotional and committal involvement.

Therefore, instead of calling what you have dating or a relationship, we should consider the elements of the agreement.  The characteristics to gauge where you are on the dating/relationship spectrum are as follows:

Emotional Exclusivity

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Physical Exclusivity (“PhEx”) – spending time romantically with one person only.  This includes intimate and dating activities, such as going out for dinner and sex.  However, depending on the agreement, sex may or may not be a boundary matter.  In the traditional sense physical exclusivity is monogamy.

Emotional Exclusivity (“EmEx”) – reserving all romantic feelings for one person only.  Love.

Commitment Exclusivity (“CoEx”) – I understand this to be when you see a future with someone and are dedicated to them and your potential future together.  I consider this to be different to exclusivity.  I see commitment as being linked to longevity – long-term relationships and marriage.  It is more than just seeing someone on a regular basis.

Commitment Exclusivity
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There can be various types of agreement with different combinations of PhEx, EmEx and CoEx.  Each characteristic is on a spectrum, so no two agreements are likely to be exactly the same.  What is important and what makes the agreement work is a mutual understanding and open communication.

Regarding dating to determine whether you can establish a relationship, I view it as getting to know each other in order to determine what type of agreement you want.  This may not necessarily be a relationship.  You may even decide to terminate the agreement.  This gives scope for people who aren’t ready for relationships to date.

Call it what you want – dating or a relationship, but let’s face it, when you’re a 30 year old grown woman, whatever you call a relationship is most likely going to be very different to what a 16 year old girl calls her relationship with her first love!

Still single
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In conclusion, I am dating, but I am single.  By that very nature, I am free to date other guys if I wanted to.  This isn’t a matter of game playing, playing hard to get, or being a player.  Quite simply, it is about understanding the agreement and understanding your options.

Mr Cool told me after the 9th date that he didn’t want to ‘rush into a relationship’ – he brought this up in conversation.  I am happy to continue dating Mr Cool – he is an amazing guy.  However, it would be imprudent of him to think he is my sole option.  Until he decides what he wants, or I find another option – whichever happens first – nothing changes: we were single before this discussion; we are both still single now.