The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation

When you first get talking to a guy or meet him in person for the first time, female intuition will tell you whether he’s a douchebag or not.  It’s not always apparent, but you get an idea.  Unless you have a serious case of bad boy syndrome and subconsciously like being treated badly, you probably won’t be emotionally attracted to the douches.  So what causes perfectly nice, normal guys to behave uncharacteristically like inconsiderate idiots?  What causes guys to freak out?

Since March 2012 I’ve personally encountered guys who have freaked out.  Most disappear without explaining themselves, but two resurfaced post freak out: Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised.

I met Mr Audacious in February 2012 in a pub, and went on a date with him in March 2012.  He is one of the few guys who wasn't originally from Match.com.

The promising start
Image courtesy of
stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

From the outset, he was very keen, almost over keen; messaging me a lot to get my attention. Although the situation was initially physically led, by messaging back and forth, an emotional connection started to develop.  By the time we were on our date, it was hard to contain the sparks.  Throughout the evening we discovered we had even more in common than we first thought and he gave me the impression he wanted to see me again.  However, after the amazing first date, he started to exhibit the classic freak out signs.  It lasted about 2 weeks, during which time he did not ask me out again.  I got incredibly frustrated because I didn't know where I stood, until I finally had enough him making me feel like that and closed the chapter on him, accepting I would not get any answers.

However, Mr Audacious resurfaced in June 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise for his behaviour.

Mr Disorganised appeared in September 2012 – one of the 43 Match.com dates.  He was an emotionally led decision, but I did find him attractive.  We built on the emotional connection through our messages online, so by the time we moved onto texting and then finally meeting, I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically.

A great date
Image courtesy of stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

Our first date was one of those amazing dates where sparks flew.  We already knew we had a lot in common prior to us meeting, so meeting was, for a large part, to determine whether there was any chemistry.  At the end of the date, he asked me out again, and we saw each other again soon, ie the next day for lunch, and again that weekend.

And then he exhibited all the classic signs of the freak out.  His behaviour left me in pieces.  Holly, who had come to my flat for tea, had never seen me like that before; I wasn't composed, in control or conducting myself like an established professional female; I was restless and craving his attention. Holly found it somewhat surprising that a guy could affect me like that.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and accepted it was over and it wasn’t going to work, that Mr Disorganised didn’t want what I wanted.

It almost came as a surprise when Mr Disorganised reappeared in October 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise, exactly like Mr Audacious had done.

With both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised reappearing and apologising, I wanted answers to my questions, if anything for the closure I never got before.  From the questions I asked, I learnt a lot about the MFO phase.

Guys freak out because they get scared; they may think they want commitment exclusivity and will go through the motions and feel excited about it, but when they get time to process the whole situation, reality hits them and they find it a frightening prospect.  They know what they should want, and part of them thinks they want it until it gets too real.  Their fear is exacerbated when they are presented with an amazing woman, who they realise has the potential to be a long term prospect.  A guy will only ever freak out when there is a mutual spark (it is possible that they may freak out if there is a one sided spark, but because you’re not feeling the spark, it’s not really an issue for you).  Sometimes it’s easier for them to ignore the fear by removing themselves from the situation, which will mean withdrawing emotionally, creating time for themselves, and ignoring you.  They realise this behaviour is unkind, but their need to grasp onto their sense of non-exclusivity outweighs their sense of behaving appropriately towards you.

The post freak out disappearing act
Image courtesy of
stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

Guys can freak out at any time, but for me it’s always been in the bit between dating and a relationship.  If the guy is freak out inclined, it is unlikely that your behaviour will have much impact on the outcome.  On my dates with both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised, it was merely dating; I never once mentioned that I wanted to be in a relationship with them.  I was just being myself, but that was all it took.  However, because they had the seed of potential planted in their heads, they let the notion grow and decided to nip things in the bud without speaking to me first.

My behaviour during freak out, however, did have an impact. I wanted answers which they wouldn't give me; I wanted to know if I would be seeing them again.  This fuelled their freak out fire and they felt pressured and cornered, and so they disappeared.

Most of the time, it’s easier for a guy to ignore you.  It is rare that they will ever get in contact post freak out.  When it does happen, it will most likely be to apologise and to ask for another chance. There is no right or wrong with whether you should give them a second chance.  All that I can advise is understand what has happened, do what will make you happy in the long term, and, most importantly, trust your female intuition.