The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra

In my previous blog posts I wrote about the signs of the male freak out (MFO) phase in addition to why guys freak out.  As useful as it is spotting the signs of a MFO and understanding why guys freak out, what’s more important when you are in the midst of experiencing a guy freak out, is how to cope.

Frustrated, restless, confused
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marin / freedigitalphotos.net

In the last post, The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation, I described how Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised made me feel when they freaked out: frustrated, restless, confused.  They both freaked out again after resurfacing – when it happened, I was better prepared.

Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised weren’t the only guys who freaked out on me.  When I suspected Mr Ten, Mr Red, Mr Always-Right and Mr Boa were freaking out, I was able to handle each situation relatively well, each time always a little better than the last.  I’ve learnt a little more each time.  Now, whenever a guy I’m dating freaks out, I adopt a set of well-practiced mantras, which I’m now going to share with you.

You deserve better than his behaviour!

You do not deserve to be ignored or made to feel confused.  Yes, he might be a really nice guy and may only be behaving like a douche because he himself is confused, but there are other ways to behave and he knows his behaviour is unkind.  Don’t be the woman who tolerates it.

You deserve respect

To be treated with respect, you must demand respect by respecting yourself and by behaving like you expect it from others.  You need to stand up for yourself.  If you aren’t getting the respect you deserve from him, ask yourself whether you can truly be with someone who doesn’t respect you.  Always be true to yourself and choose dignity over any guy.

Don't chase after him
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Don’t be the girl that chases after the guy 

Your actions pre freak out have relatively little impact.  During freak out, guys emotionally withdraw because they need space, so give him space.  There is no need to remind him that you like him – unless he’s stupid or you've not let on before that you like him – he knows it.  So let him ride out the MFO phase – on his own – you can’t help and it’s not your responsibility.

It’s tempting to send a quick message saying, “hope you’re okay”, or “I miss you” – but don’t. Messages like that won’t help if he needs space.  The more you chase, the further he’ll run, so don’t chase.

Let him go to see if he comes back

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but view yourself as the prize.  Letting him go is the fairest thing for, not only him, but for you.  If he comes back post freak out, you know he came back out of free will and because he wanted to.  As scary as this is, trust that you truly deserve someone who really wants to be with you; the ones who don’t or who aren't sure – let them go.  If he’s worth your time, he’ll realise you’re the prize and he’ll come back for you.

Prioritise yourself – don’t plan your life around the guy

Prioritise yourself
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Continue living your life as you would if he wasn’t part of your life.  That means no avoiding making plans in case he wants to see you, or making preliminary plans that you know full well that you’ll drop if he creeps back into the picture.  Make a plan and stick with it – don’t let your friends and family become a second priority because they are the people who will stick by you above any man.  Be a little selfish and do what you enjoy doing, with the people you enjoy being around.  Keep yourself distracted with positive things.  Go to the gym, hang out with friends, pamper yourself.  Be brave, do something new and push yourself out of your comfort zone and feel alive.

By not planning your life around a guy, you will regain control of your own life and your own happiness. However, I would advise against throwing yourself into work. That tends to be my strategy, but if that works for you, do it.

There is more than one “The One”

As wonderful as you think he might be, as much as there is a spark, be confident enough to believe there will be someone more amazing out there you’ve yet to meet.

If he is freaking out, it is likely that he’s not in the same place as you are and that he probably doesn’t want what you want, thus he’s not The One at this moment of time.  You can’t force someone to want what you want, nor can you force someone to want you.  Trust yourself and believe there will be someone much more compatible for you.

Regaining control – you will be okay
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Perhaps controversially, you could consider dating other guys.  If you’re dating a guy, you don’t have any sort of agreed exclusivity, so you can date whoever you want.  I find this particularly helps me when a guy I’m dating is freaking out.  It reminds me that I have options and, although I can’t control his path, but I can control my own.

These beliefs and actions don’t have to only be executed when you face a MFO phase.  You can empower yourself by reminding yourself of these things whenever your confidence in dating dwindles.

When a guy you really like freaks out on you, it’s tough and it’s disheartening.  You may wonder why you should even bother dating.  But if you give up on dating, the only person who loses out is you.

Undoubtedly, you are a wonderful, caring woman with a lot of love to give.  There is a guy out there worthy of you.  You need to remind yourself of just how amazing you are and trust yourself.

These strategies will hopefully help you gain control – not of his actions, but of your own.  So, accept that dealing with the MFO phase is awful, but have the confidence in yourself to believe you will be okay. Trust me on this one because I completely understand how it feels – you will be okay and you will come out of this stronger.